I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
