She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
