I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
