I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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