I smell stomach acid.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
