Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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