He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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