He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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