there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you repeat that, but with context?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
