look no pants
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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