4 words: hood of his car
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
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