if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
