her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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