Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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