she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
