Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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