He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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