Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
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just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize