dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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