you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
