You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
