I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
