k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
