He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
