I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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