i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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