My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it's like iHOP with fire
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
