Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
