Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
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lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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