i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
