My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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