i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
