You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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