His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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