Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
