When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
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How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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