you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
pray to the hookup gods
How does it feel to date your dad?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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