I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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