You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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