Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
