2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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