Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
