We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
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Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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