fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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