You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
