Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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