he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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