there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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