we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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