How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
