I looked at my own cervix.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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