Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
