He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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