when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
