mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
