I haven't been this sober since birth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
