you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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