I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
