On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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